Unblocking and unlocking

Tracey's question was perfectly timed for what I have been working on over the last week. I get overwhelmed easily and so the perceptions I have take some time to filtre through and sift into what is useful and what is not. I am easily beglamoured. It often takes a while for me to get past the surface. 
I have been grinding through the mill of my perceptions and feelings about creativity. I am learning when to stay and when to go.
     I have just written two emails bemoaning the fact that I can't make connections in the piece I am writing; that I wanted to throw it all out; and why am I doing this anyway? It terrifies me. What if I get laughed at? Poor, poor pitiful me. Ha. I realize that this is part of the creative process. When I write it down and/or talk about it then I move forward again on the piece. My learning process is so different than what it used to be. I have to write it; speak it; talk to others about it; physically act out; give it time; in fact, use all of my senses--including my brain to get it together.  What I observe, as well, is each individual is unique; especially in the journey that each person takes to get to the end product. This fascinates me.
        In answer to your question, Tracey, every draft has its own particular stumbling blocks. The exchange of ideas and constructive criticisms from others helps me begin to put things together. I am not quick; sometimes I take several months to get a point being slow of study. But that's okay. 
        When I began this piece I had three lines. I didn't believe that I would ever be able to make something out of it. I am continually jumping off cliffs. This whole experience has been an exercise in jumping and not worrying about what happens after I have jumped. To simply do. To let it happen and to leap. The secret is to hang out there; especially when preconceived ideas from my own past and what others have said buffet me about the head & shoulders with doubt, fear, and all the other negative things that happen when I don't really believe I can stand it for another minute.
         Then I see that I am still here after another minute has passed and the ideas come. They don't always come on demand--they come when they like. It seems to occur in the middle of the night. While that is very "romantic" in a sense--in reality it makes me tired. As I get better at how this all works--it will change. I only concentrate on one thing at a time. Which means that I can only focus on one thing. When I try to do more than that--I don't work--I get nothing.
          I feel so lucky. This circle is worth its weight in gold. Each week I get to hear something new and amazing and then to discuss it. Bliss. I am also taking/making this year (which has been a year of huge change for me) as my "Canada Council Grant B." Not really a grant but an opportunity that I am able to take. I do something I love and I get to play. 
           Yesterday, the blizzard was perfect for the Chronicles. The power in my building was off--so--no phone, heat, hot water, elevators, lights, internet--everything was down. Going downstairs was a descent into the hell realms. It was pitch black and I had no flashlight. Fortunately, the power was repaired after ten hours. I couldn't do much except write with pen and ink. Read. I keep a book beside me to write stuff in. After the initial panic--I just let go and wrote. It took my mind away from waiting. Waiting was all I could do.